If you do not want to get depressed then you better move on from this post. However, if you have hit a low point lately and need to know someone is in the pit with you, continue on with this heartfelt passage. I hit a rough spot last week, a whole weekend of cold rain with a sick non-verbal child. In case any of you are wondering how that child could be different from a typically developing child, I yell at the top of my lungs, "SOS!!!!". So very different, at least in my experience with three typical and one atypical. My own evidence illustrates it is not just forty year old me with a two year old, though that can not help.
When my Amos was an infant, I did not notice the difference but as he got older and his peers surpassed him, I noticed his more typical irritability, particularly at home. He likes, actually loves to be out and about which is why at this very moment he has been sitting in the car for over an hour happily watching Scooby Doo. Hence the low point. Also, for the naysayers that think to themselves, he is so happy at church etc. Lately though, his frustration has increased and I like to think his brain is catching up more quickly than his words. However, the reality of this is almost more than I can stand and I'm counting the hours until our evaluation gets approved from BCBS so we can choose his augmentative communication device.
When I am crying by 7:30am, you know you need to call in the troops. As you tearily tell your husband you need to call in the troops, he asks if there are any child care centers where we could drop him off. While I appreciate this show of solidarity, I am visibly perplexed with this concept, particularly in Edenton. My older son chimes in and starts throwing out names of people I could check with, anyone that may save his mother from tears. I hate that. I hate feeling so vulnerable in a way I haven't felt since my big brother died 25 years ago. All of us are tired and scared and tired.
It is not a grief like sorrow, but a feeling that I can not control my feelings or get a handle on how to cope with a situation that I can not get a handle on. It is so hard to embrace the toughness in the moment even though my mind tells me too. I am quicker to try to save myself from pummeling a screaming two year old and truly, that is more important.
I am speaking from the heart and recall a dear friend saying to me in these exact words, "I can see how people would shake their baby". What?!?! I was a mother too but my baby was still tucked in my womb, safe from exhaustion and a tired mama. I was so bewildered and frightened by this statement, scared for her child and her, an educated woman seemingly turned monster. I have thought of it over the years and truthfully, seen a glimpse here and there when things got rough but never really understood until the last couple months, especially the last few days. Nothing like total exhaustion to bring out the clarity in a situation.
And so, I will scrounge up kind sitters that will put up with the hysteria, perhaps encouragement to the teenagers that dare darken our door and a subtle reminder of why having children out of wedlock should be avoided. My own husband pointed out worriedly his own fear that what if people refused to come after they had been subjected to the misery. Poor thing, I hate that he worries too and am thankful we are at least on the same team.
I am off on a much-needed overnight under the guise of working on my website, but also for 24 hours of breathing room and perhaps a chance to think of someone else other than myself. It is a hole that I seem to slip into after rainy weather and abundant crying. I will leave my people at home, looked after by a series of sitters and their kind father and know that they will be glad for me to go in hopes that I will come back refreshed. Hopefully, a bit more patient and willing to cling on to the grace that is there for the taking.