While it was not intentional, I do think it was a somewhat conscious decision, blocking out a day that is supposed to be for me and never ends up that way. Where does the fault hide, with the people that should be treating me with kid gloves or myself, the person that has acquired misguided expectations? Perhaps the blame lies with me and I alone, am the common denominator each year, ten and counting so far. This is far from a projected guilt trip but just an honest appraisal of why I have avoided even thinking about this upcoming Sunday, much less made plans.
I think those of us that are mothers have inaccurately conjured up the notion that Mother's Day is a day for us. We have grown accustomed to focusing the attention on ourselves and truthfully, our wishes never come to fruition as we expect Mother's Day to mirror a day of freedom from the very thing that made us mothers, our children. Perhaps I am the lone wolf but in years past I have made plans to go out of town with or without my family and each and every time, I am left feeling more than a bit let down (in all honesty). Why did I have to get the kids ready for church? Why is there even church on Mother's Day? I have to fix lunch? If we go out to lunch, I have to wrangle Amos while everyone eats? And so on and so on and I am left a smug curmudgeon, grumpy and triumphant in my knowledge that I knew Mother's Day was going to suck and I was right. I made my bed and now I must lie in it. Another year passes.
Not this year. I am committed to being strong with newfound resolve and expectations, exceedingly lower than normal. I will not be disappointed nor I will pretend that the holiday doesn't exist as part of an elaborate sham to maintain faux cheeriness over last minute cards and crappy gifts. I do love Mother's Day in theory and if I think back, I remember the excitement of preparing things for my own mother. Genuine thrill as I scurried around to make a card or wrapped a gift that my brother and I knew she would adore. Who doesn't love a hand carved cork scene right out of Tikki Tikki Tembo? My mother did or at least she pretended to and we beamed as she placed it in the place of honor on our living room mantle. She still has that piece of $25 ridiculousness and I think truly, she has grown to love it.
Mother's Day is as close to a real holiday as Christmas or at least one that most people agree is worth celebrating. It is 100% inclusive and not one of us found our way to earth without a Her. At one time, all of us had a mother and even if she has been gone as long as you can remember, I would like to think that you were loved, even before your unveiling and most of us were held and snuggled, if even only for a few minutes, by one or a few people we think of as Mom. And so this year, I shall be thankful for my own mother and acknowledge her love and physical and emotional presence in my upbringing. I'm going to remember that the day is not about me and the freedom I crave too often. It is mostly about being a mother or having a mother and being thankful for the gift that travels freely with those wonders.