I am filled with a rush of unfamiliar anxiety as my older three children and I head to Nashville for my cousin's wedding. To leave Amos alone feels a little like leaving him beside a pool while I go to take a shower. It is so unlike me to feel this way as usually I am flying out the door. My mind knows he will be fine, after all he adores our nanny share arrangement and yet, I worry. I worry what will he think when we disappear? It makes me realize I don't talk to him like I do my other three and though they are older obviously, he deserves an explanation as well even if I'm not convinced he understands. I shouldn't just vanish without a word.
My husband is staying home with him when he realized he could not miss any more work. I am pleased with this arrangement and not even from a financial standpoint. I like to think of Amos and Daddy getting to know each other a bit more intimately. This will be the first time one of us has ever spent a weekend with just one child and vice versa. Me taking the big three feels so easy without navigating flights with a two year old and nap schedules. I am so happy to give them my undivided attention and an empty lap and arms that are often filled. I worry though, I anticipate his every need and am his virtual interpreter and to leave him frightens me.
Perhaps my worry is not about this weekend. It never is you know. Those paperclips dangle loosely and precipitously, always clinging to a deeper concern. Our worry masks our fear and my fear was Amos out alone in the world and this weekend was the domino for my thoughts of the future. A place that fills me with dread these days and yet, I am trying to convince myself to not go there. My mind wanders without permission even while I am asleep and the furrows on my forehead deepen and I feel my shoulders tense, my body's signature on the thoughts I try to shrug away. Amos will be fine, I tell myself. It will be a gift for him and for me. I don't really believe it yet, though I'm trying.
Good bye my green bean, we will miss you more than you ever could know and perhaps that is the lesson your mama needs most today. Your future though unknown, your today beautiful and your place in our family, the seat of honor. And that is the declaration of my heart that will win against my fickle mind and the thoughts that circle, amounting to nothing. You are so precious and I miss you and your daddy already.