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The future is far away and scary, but today is lovely.

Adrian H. Wood, PhD

My Perfect Husband

My Perfect Husband

Friday, January 01, 2016 Adrian Wood Comments (0)

The Southern husbands that I have witnessed and harbor great evil thoughts towards have opinions related to women that I find incredibly narcissistic. No, these opinions are not centered around what the liberal women of today may strive for, such as equality in the work place or leading nations. These feelings are much more soundly founded on the musings of seemingly innocent Southern husbands on a few very disturbing topics: medicine during childbirth, breastfeeding, and well, nothing else but those two things are too much already. Actually children's clothing too, but those views are impertinently silly and do not cause my venom to be unleashed. I am rarely speechless but almost had a fit when I heard a nice wife espouse her husband's view that pain medicine was not the right choice for the birth of his child (obviously a first child). In my younger years (4 years ago), I was learning the art of tongue biting. My sharp retort was simply "You need to mind your own business". Surely a sign of progress and truthfully I must have been speechless if this is all I came up with as a retort. I was in fact raised by a father who, when I often chastised him for speaking his mind a little too directly, honestly, and loudly, would quote, "but I am telling the truth" as it related to some poor unsuspecting soul's weight, spouse choices, career etc.

Breastfeeding is another topic. Don't worry, this brief discussion will not bring on the guilts or give credit to the self righteous. Oh, poor women. Few of us have ever witnessed the act of nursing but we all feel a tremendous pressure to sacrifice ourselves to tiny needy beings. My only statement on the topic is "I breastfed, I bottle fed, and now they are eating French fries off the floor of my car and I'm like, thanks for cleaning". Thank you Facebook for this wonderful quote. There must be solidarity amongst women and mothers to be the best you can be and that is most important. Just because I enjoyed nursing does not mean I should get a medal for it, nor accolades for resisting chocolate since I don't naturally like it. We all have our likes, strengths and vices and that is what makes the world go round. However, husbands who have breastfeeding opinions are another story. Again, mind your own business and assure your wife she is wonderful and doing a wonderful job as the ultimate goal is to build a great mom, be a supportive husband, and to meet the needs of the tiny terrorist (thank you J.C.).

This is a perfect time to bring up my wonderful husband who has many awesome qualities. Amazingly enough, the things that most annoyed me once upon a time, I now fully embrace and truly appreciate. His lack of opinion giving, lack of needing me around, his almost sluggish calm persona, and his inability to make a plan have been such gifts and perfect for a marriage that involves myself. All of this supports the wonderful fact that he truly tends to his own business. He has never nagged me to forego an epidural, to sacrifice my nipples to a yowling 5 pounder, or even once commented on our children's clothing, whether it be a day gown worn by our sons or terrible combinations of our only daughter Blair, who at six, looks like a modern day gypsy. Hanna Anderson Woodstock briefs meets Camp Seafarer elastic shorts topped off with black tshirt decorated with ghosts created by her very own feet dipped in white paint. Also, purple new balance shoes, black socks, and a faux Olympic medal completes the daily look of the PTA President's sole daughter. On the rare occasion he does try to secretly express reproach, he is not rewarded for his passive aggressive attempts, though wily they may be. For example, upon praising Blair for her beauty in such an ensemble, she quickly retorted, "I know what you're doing and it is NOT going to work!". Ahhhh, surely my daughter.

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Thank you for your respectful, friendly, on-topic comments! I LOVE THEM. Because I want My tales to be encourage a positive environment for my readers, my family, and myself, I have and will remove offensive, inappropriate, or generally rude comments. I abide by proper Southern etiquette.

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