Every Bride Needs Something Blue

Tales Of An Educated Debutante

on life, loss and the joy that rules the day.


The future is far away and scary, but today is lovely.

Adrian H. Wood, PhD

Ten Guaranteed Ways to Provoke a Pregnant Woman's Venom

Ten Guaranteed Ways to Provoke a Pregnant Woman's Venom

Friday, April 01, 2016 Adrian Wood Comments (0)

1. You're huge!

That's nice. Nothing like insulting someone who will never ever forget you said that and if you're reading this, you know who you are.

2. Haven't you had that baby yet?!

Does it look like I've had the baby yet?!

3. Do you think it's twins?

No, I don't. I trust modern day medicine and the reliability of ultrasound which has been found to be highly reliable for counting people.

4. You're only three months?!

What you are really saying is, "holy cow, you are ginormous!". This is worse though as it is classified as a passive aggressive insult.

5. I carried all in the front. You must be having a girl!

Sneaky devil. My third son actually, all my boys have hidden in various areas of my body, particularly fanny and bosoms.

6. Don't wish your pregnancy away.

I wish you would go away.

7. Do you know how that happens?

No, I don't. Please feel free to share the details of how you think it happens. Evidently the PhD at the end of my name and my ten years of marriage are part of a guise of my sexual ignorance.

8. Are you going to have any more? How many?

Can I just be allowed to be pregnant as a house for one more month and perhaps heal from the impending birth before you pin me down on my plans for how to go broke more swiftly?

9. My wife ran the whole time she was pregnant.

This almost called for me to chuck my second cream puff his way. Instead I said, "Did she ever get away?".

10. Described Action as told by a dear friend: I walked into a party and this man came up and kissed by stomach.

That had to have felt awkward, the pausing, the leaning, the lip pursing, all of it. Certainly he had ignored the overly familiar button ringing in his mind.

BONUS! And the best for last...When are you due? Ummm, six weeks ago.

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