Every Bride Needs Something Blue

Tales Of An Educated Debutante

on life, loss and the joy that rules the day.


The future is far away and scary, but today is lovely.

Adrian H. Wood, PhD

We Meet Again

We Meet Again

Sunday, October 16, 2016 Adrian Wood Comments (5)

The we being myself and the anesthesiologist, the one that casually asked me if Amos was retarded. It's been exactly a year since that question was tossed on my radar early one morning as we prepped my Amos for surgery. My initial reaction was one of shock and thus, silence. After pondering my seemingly meager ability to defend my son, I was thankful to have an opportunity to share my feelings with the same physician this week when I took two of my other children for minor surgery. I'm not sure what I hoped to accomplish but I could not forego an opportunity to share my heart.
It did not go as I expected. I don't know what I hoped would happen but I am left now picking up the pieces yet again, though for different reasons. To acknowledge words and their power and to stand tall in your motherhood and ask my child's physician hard questions was one of the hardest things I have ever done. He apologized, acknowledged he "misspoke," and went on to tell me his own background. He served in the military and saw tough things, his own family was not helpful with his now ten year old son and as he shared, it had been really tough for he and his wife, really tough. You see, when he told me that he had a "Down's kid" last year, I was silenced with a plethora of horrified emotions truthfully.
He told me he needed to be forgiven. Of course I had forgiven him, many moons ago, I said. I offered that I harbor no ill will, but want families to be protected from harshness as they are especially sensitive minutes before surgery and need no hurtful distractions. Instead, one could ask a family to tell him about their child's special needs that had been noted in the parent questionnaire. He agreed and asked for a hug and I took a picture. It was not until several minutes later that I heard my surgeon ask him about our conversation in the hall. I listened and when I heard the statement, "I shouldn't be judged," I stepped into the hall and interceded on my own, and Amos', behalf.
I will spare you all the details, but I said that I was not judging him. I don't think you're a bad person, I told him. He went on to say that I should be careful not to judge someone on one statement and that many words can offend, like the term obesity. At that point I had to accept that I was not going to get the redemption my heart desired and you know what? That's okay. I don't think our conversations will leave his heart or mind too soon. I think he is really hurting and that having a special needs child has been a tough pill to swallow. I am thankful that having Amos has never felt like that to me; his place in our family is such a gift, extremely tough yes, but having him does not travel with the feelings that I saw reflected in a doctor's eyes.
I won't judge him. I won't raise my fists in righteous anger over a question that tore my soul to pieces. I will continue to reach out in love, to whomever will listen, about words and the power that travels with them, to encourage kindness always, to never excuse my own behavior because, I too, belong to a special needs family. There is a time and a place for most everything, but never ever a time to ask a parent if their lovely child is retarded. Never ever, no matter if you are a physician or have a child with special needs. And that is the end of that.

Lyn commented on 16-Oct-2016 08:20 PM
As I rounded the corner of our small historical (hysterical) 300 year old Church this morning .I was greeted by three well dressed, clean , and smiling children. A fourth tow headed charmer was being pushed in a brightly colored imaginative LARGE stroller by Dad.
I said Where's Mom.
Oh she's off to a class reunion .
Suddenly all 4 decided it was time to rush into the Parish house for breakfast before Sunday School
If I'd ever left Norm alone in the same situation I'd have cone home to three dead sons and an empty bottle of Chivas Regal
Newsletter Signup commented on 16-Oct-2016 10:36 PM
Adrian, you are much more gracious than I would have been. As a mother and a nurse I am appalled that the anesthesiologist used that term with you. As a US Navy retired nurse I am angry that he used his military experiences as an excuse for his obviously egotistical, mean, hurtful behavior. I know many military medical people who have seen horrendous things and would NEVER be so unfeeling. I feel sorry that he needed to make himself look good in the eyes of the surgeon at your expense. Unfortunately he is not secure in his own self. I pray that he will somehow come to accept his own child and deal with all the emotions he is feeling and pushing aside. Amos is adorable and would light up any family.
Thank you for your blog posts, I truly enjoy them. We are a military family living in Japan (for the 3rd time). I have 3 children (14, 12, 10). My two younger children were adopted from Japan the second time we were here. We have come back to let them experience the culture and people here. Needless to say, this has brought its own joys and craziness. Have a wonderful day! XXX
Anonymous commented on 17-Oct-2016 07:12 AM
It's amazing you were placed in the same proximity as a year ago. I loved the admission of 'forgiveness' although should not have been surprised by those words knowing your intricate nature. ❤️ Moi
Newsletter Signup commented on 17-Oct-2016 10:05 PM
This post left me almost speechless. My heart goes out to you and I couldn't agree with your words more. Love and prayers to you and Amand the rest of your beautiful family
Newsletter Signup commented on 17-Oct-2016 10:06 PM
This post left me almost speechless. My heart goes out to you and I couldn't agree with your words more. Love and prayers to you and Amos and the rest of your beautiful family!!!!😘❤️❤️❤️😘

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