Every Bride Needs Something Blue

Tales Of An Educated Debutante

on life, loss and the joy that rules the day.


 
 
 
 
 




 
The future is far away and scary, but today is lovely.

Adrian H. Wood, PhD


What If You Had Been Given A Choice?

What If You Had Been Given A Choice?

Tuesday, July 19, 2016 Adrian Wood Comments (2)

I would choose him again and again and again.

I would choose him if you offered me a sea of children. Why is he worth the effort, the struggle, the tears, the exhaustion? The loss of the life that is no more and the grief that follows make that choice seem unconscionable, even to myself, the mother of a special needs child. Life is simple is no more, never will be again and yet, it is worth it. Maybe I'm wrong though, this path feels too hard, too rough, too heartbreaking but then, I remember.

He envelops what it is like to swim in a beautiful sea of jellyfish, where the water is so clear and blue that I can't help but wade into its gentle waves. A sting here and there do not deter me because of the mysteries that unfold far below the surface. If I hold my breath and swim way down, I find more beauty and despite the tentacles that try to entrap me, I continue to swim. I am forced to move my thoughts beyond my own immediate struggle and when I feel my lungs may burst, I find it. The underwater cave that was there, hidden below the calm blue surface, a tunnel of rock with just enough space to take a breath and then through the opening a white beach with thick sand and sunlight.

I swam that familiar path nine years ago this month and it's beauty, I believed then, was a once in a lifetime experience. I never imagined that this year alone. I have been there many times over, the hidden cove far out at sea in a foreign country. Only this time the incredible experience has come figuratively, through a little boy with special needs that has shown me that life can be so beautiful when you least expect it and perfection is in the eye of the beholder. Perfection is created and feels beautiful when compounded with real emotions like sadness, struggle, despair, anger, joy, bitterness and hope. They make up the lovely journey of real life and the gift of special needs children.

I never had the opportunity to choose life with my Amos. I like to think I would have if given the opportunity, whether through adoption or after scary prenatal testing. Our son came into the world and his path has been revealed to us ever so slowly and as we have learned to love him, support him, help him, admire him, and laugh with him, I can honestly say he makes our family wonderful. To not choose him would be crossing out the greatest path of joy I have ever traveled and also the most beautiful. His journey has made my own life valuable, if only for the reason that my understanding of perfection has been eradicated and rebuilt. Before him, I had access to a lovely sea. After him, I ventured out of the safety of the shallows and braved jellyfish and stinging and near drowning and so, I have been introduced to a world of loveliness that I never knew existed. A beautiful life of discovery and amazement that was born of the choice of seeking joy even in the dark, swimming with jellyfish, and following my lovely son into the cave and knowing that the sunlight is somewhere on the other side.

I would choose him again and again and again.

Comments
Newsletter Signup commented on 19-Jul-2016 08:22 PM
So perfect!!
Shelly commented on 21-Jul-2016 09:36 PM
What a beautiful written expression of love

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