I try to temper how much I divulge, too much may be just that, too much. I have reason to believe it is a conversation to temper because there are those that avoid the too deep conversation with me, perhaps my openness of reality is overtly frightening and maybe you think I may start blabbing your secrets too. Or, is it just more than you can handle or than you bargained for in our light and airy friendship? Regardless of the underpinnings, my special needs talk seems to be scaring some friends away.
If anybody gets it, it's me. Amos is more than I bargained for, too. He belongs to me though and so, I follow when he ventures off into the world or tries to communicate. I know better than anyone the really hard moments especially when the minutes pool into hours of endless frustration. These times are overflowing with endless tears and woeful wailing, both resplendent with careful head banging that propels me, if only for an instant, to think about how easy life would be if I had stopped with three children.
Perhaps that sounds evil or terribly insensitive, but I offer that glimpse of my own heart so you know that the truth is hard for me too. Will you try to understand that it is even harder if I am expected to remain silent? A self induced state where I am seemingly stoic but underneath, a lethal mix of emotions that dispel the notion of actual coping. All a careful coverup and much like a child's game of pretend, it can not go on forever. Yes, we all have to grow up some time and face the shadows lurking within us. You see, the talking and revealing drives them far away in their carriages of fear.
Please don't run away. Come back and don't feel the pressure of not knowing what to say or what to do. This is all new to me too. My life was once like yours, just regular, a typical, sort of big family, with run of the mill traditional dilemmas. I still get all that, I've got all those too. I promise I can talk laundry with the best of them and yes, the grocery store and expectations of cooking healthy meals for squawking children demanding fruit loops, still hits close to home for me.
I try to be respectful of your space as I need all the friends I can get. I don't want my special needs talk to scare you away though I know I cross the fine line too often and yet, I can't seem to help myself. Will you bear with me, just a bit longer, smile and say I'm sorry if I seem upset or flop on my couch and fill me in on the latest gossip? The silence is deafening and I need your voice to remind me about the impenetrable joy that is mine for the taking.